Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER