A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
motivation
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die