In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
12653.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes