[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
You Might Also Like
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.