My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.