I was up all night reading about insomnia
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it