I was up all night reading about insomnia
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Discuss
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.