With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me