With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

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The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.


I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now


Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.


I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.


Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table


Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂


“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.


[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine