Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*