[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
anyone else like Italian cereal
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo