Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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bad
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worchester
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Support your local cemetery
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]