professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Twitter fine art
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*