the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
our love story in four pictures
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Not all heroes wear capes…
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard