I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.


Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?


Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision


Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.


Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres


Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..


send bail money!


I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.


A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no


If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.