I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.