@XplodingUnicorn Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
@sixfootcandy I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@canadasandra Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
@RdrJay47 Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
@portmanteauface Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
@AlexvanBeek Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
@thepunningman Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
@DaddyBeerGuy Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
@StupiDucker I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
@elle91 A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
@OutOfLeftField_ If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.