[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”