No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Swedish for common sense.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
i did the math
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.