*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.