I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
These aliens are taking forever.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
synchronized noseblowing
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
These 3D printers are insane!
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”