[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?