[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe