I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
But wait…
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.