This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Meow
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?