Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
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Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!