Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?