i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow