[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.