10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story