Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?