Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
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Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers