The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
You Might Also Like
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
this country is so goddamn polarized
Always a metermaid never a meter
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured