Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?