Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
#parenting
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*