just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.