The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
do u think theres a butter planet?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I’m not lazy
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.