[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
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Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”