If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?