food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I’m too immature for adultery.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.