People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.