I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Worth remembering.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth