I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
You Might Also Like
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything