They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.