They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.![]()
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that鈥檚 a bad idea
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
dog 911: what鈥檚 your emergency
dog: there鈥檚 an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he鈥檚 across the street
dog 911: that鈥檚 not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i鈥檓 sad or whatever
professor x: you don鈥檛 punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven鈥檛 showered for weeks
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
God: you鈥檙e a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it鈥檚 the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren鈥檛 supposed to see that.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
馃槼
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won鈥檛 be that bad
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.