Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Spring cleaning checklist…
we all know this pain all too well
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me