Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
You Might Also Like
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day