Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
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3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
shampoo implies shampee
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
anyone else like Italian cereal
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.