My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.