Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!