I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
You Might Also Like
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
buys donuts instead
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Good morning, Twitter x
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.