(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You Might Also Like
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me recordaron éste meme
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]