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If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Mhm.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)