70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”