Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
You Might Also Like
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Guys I鈥檝e misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son鈥檚 upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor鈥檚 fence*
Neighbor: I don鈥檛 drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*Texting with my wife while she鈥檚 out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU鈥橰E *
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we鈥檙e all stoked and offer to help.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week