Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.