I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Me trying to reach for my goals
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW